The Gurgle Queen takes on Satellite City Hall

Ellie and I generally spend our days at home- cleaning, cuddling, canoodling, and cooking. ...And then Andrew asked me to go to Satellite City Hall and renew the motorcycle registration. Nooooo! Not the MVA/DMV. Not the standing in line. No. No. NO! Hawaii is a ridiculous state for many reasons- one being how they conduct city business. For example, because of the outrageous cost of electric, most buildings aren't equipt with air conditioning and somehow, a propped door is supposed to offer relief. Try again. At noon, with a 90 minute STANDING wait in line with an infant? I figured it would be the worst day of my life.

Wrong. As always, Ellie surprises me with how calm and mild she is. After a morning feeding, she's sweet and talkative and happy. In the afternoon, she loves to kick around on her playmat and smile at the television. At night, she wants to be held by Papa and wrapped up in warm jammies. She gets up twice a night to eat and then repeat. She LOVES a good car ride or a shower with either of us. So why I expected this MVA trip to be a nightmare, I'm not sure... Probably because I feel like kicking and screaming everytime I have to go there. :) But, no. She was alert and contemplative and adorable.

Before going in- organizing Mama's paperwork. :)

What a champ. What a little, itty bitty, awesome, sweet champ.

Lesson after Lesson...

Today's post was supposed to be "A Day in the Life of Ellie" where I would photo-chronical her exciting day [first day at a new church, a trip to the Wahiawa Botanical Garden, and tons of Papa cuddles] and what happened? It rained, so we cancelled our trip to the Gardens. My camera's flash broke, so I got only a few pictures of her aaaaaaaaaadorable church dress. AND Papa walked around topless all day and even with a working flash, no blog followers needed to see that.

A true lesson of parenthood- don't plan ANYTHING. In fact, anti-plan. Plan to just lay around. Plan to be as late as any person could possibly be. Don't even plan to breathe. Consider anti-breathing. Kidding.

The only thing getting me through this rainy, dreary day? Look below. ;)

A great outfit for a super girl!

Oh. Yeah. I DID finally get around to it.

Congratulations to ME for finally finding time to start this blog! Whoo. Now all of our beautiful family members and friends can follow the outrageously adorable and silly adventures of Ellie "Burrito Girl" Knieriem and her two unsuspecting parents. As everything is, consider it a work in progress.

As I begin on tomorrow's post, an idea stolen from a blogging queen [Laura Cooke, here's looking at you!], I'll leave a cute Ell picture to tide you over.

Holidays & Being a Parent

Originally posted: 11/24/2010

It's obvious that I've fallen off the blogging/note-writing wagon, but I figured a quick one would help me get back into it...

Ellie was born 11 days before my birthday. I; however, had forgotten COMPLETELY about the occasion until about 4 days beforehand. I never understood when my parent's birthdays would slip by so quickly and unannounced, yet they made mine so special. And now I do. It's so easy to forget to brush your teeth, let alone think about dates and non-existant invitations to a non-existant birthday party for yourself. On the other hand, I set my phone alarm to the minute she was born every Saturday so that, for a second, I can think of my 5 [or almost 6!] week old little baby and the incredible moment that was her birth. Now, I doubt I'd remember to celebrate that minute if I didn't set an alarm... but I celebrate her WEEKS and forget my own birthDAY? Such a weird parenting change.

The best holiday change about being a Mama, though, is the ones that you DO remember. Sure, I can't remember my own birthday... but tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I wouldn't forget that for the world. Tomorrow I will celebrate, with great enthusiasm, all that God has given me. For Ellie, who leaves me speechless with happiness. For Andrew, who gave me our daughter. For my sister, who loves me when I need to be loved and sets me straight when I need that, too. For my Mom, who loved me as much as I love Ellie. For my grandmother, who taught me how to prep my first Thanksgiving turkey [and thanks to the LDS Church for cooking it for me!]. For my cousins, who each taught me hilarious jokes and gave me silly memories. For my in-laws, who love me as their own and constantly support me. For my Aunt Lisa, who teaches me that being a woman is a magical thing. For my friends, who love me unconditionally. And for Ellie, again. Why not? She's what I will always be most grateful for.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Even on the worst day of my life...

Originally posted: 10/24/2010

I have an incredible daughter that stares into my eyes and loves me as much as I love her. Blissful, wonderful, sweet little girl... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I will be home in about 36 hours. I'll be working on some job prospects and trying to get my feet under me, but will have tons of downtime and want so many of you to meet Burrito Girl. Please, reach out to me and let us know when you can meet. I look forward to the distractions. I'm having a really tough time and I appreciate all the support.


A quick sentimental note: Throughout my whole life, I dreamed of having a daughter. Even in my high school relationships, when we would get serious and playfully talk of the future, I'd mention a daughter. Tim and I [as niave as we were!] had already decided to name our daughter Emily. Patrick and I lived almost an entire summer apart [me in Tennessee, him in Maryland] and would draw pictures of our little family via webcam in the early morning hours. Now, I was obviously a silly high school girl and took many of my boyfriends a bit too seriously, but I ALWAYS wanted a family and especially ALWAYS wanted a daughter. I remember when I got pregnant, I called my Mom first and we KNEW that Ellie was a girl. My grandmother knew. My sister knew. I was always meant to have a daughter. Why? I don't know. I think it's because I believe in the magical strength of women and have always thought I'd be able to raise a strong and confident woman. I think I knew I'd be successful at teaching her to be classy, honest, and devoted. There are so many girls out there with fears of how they compare to men, with insecurities about their place in the world, and with the inability to express what they want and how to get it. I think I was supposed to have a daughter so that there would be something extraordinary in this world... Something innocent and genuine. And, then I got her. The tears that I cried when I found out Ellie was a girl... You can't imagine. A lifetime dream living inside of me, ready to burst into the world and make her undeniable mark. The true joy upon realizing that my whole life was meant for something. I had a purpose. I have a purpose. There could never be a sorrow as deep as I currently feel... but I have Ellie. The dream of my life. And again I will say, Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

One week!

Originally posted: 10/22/2010

It's officially been a week since I headed to the hosptial to deliver Sweet Ellister. Ahh. What a strange, fun, frustrating, silly, and outrageously tiring week. I don't have much time, as I imagine I won't for a long time, but I thought I'd post a few notes...

-Dark Chocolate is a total necessity to any postpartum woman. Or any woman. Or any person. A nurse at the hospital suggested having some everyday and she was completely right... It has helped me stay awake during countless midnight feedings and is the most wonderous escape you can imagine.

-Babies are hilarious. Because they can't talk, it's a total riot to narrate what you think they'd say... or what you want them to say. I sincerely enjoy Spanish Ellie who loves burritos [since she is one!] and saying "cha, cha, cha" whenever possible.

-I was pretty against using a pacifier, especially this early in her life because of the fear with nipple confusion, etc. Forget that nonsense. She eats just fine and I get to enjoy Ellen. Win.

-Ellie is a very special little lady. She makes my life absolutely complete and I adore her. This is less of a first week realization and more of a lifetime commitment. Just important to remember. :)

One day I will post a birth story. And one day I will get to sleep a straight 8 hours. Until then, I am off to babyland where cute gurgles RULE.

Acceptable Birthdays

Originally posted: 10/15/2010

I comforted myself with the belief that Ellie must have far-reaching wisdom that I just didn't realize until now... Why come on October 10th [her due date] when the best celebrity she'll share a birthday with is Brett Favre? And with recent scandal, I don't need that nonsense... and then I researched the following...

October 16th- Oscar Wilde. or Noah Webster. ....or John Mayer. ;) [This would prove her obvious intellect and love of all things gorgeous.]
October 17th- Evel Knievel and Eminem. [yikes.]
October 18th- Lee Harvey Oswald and Jean-Claude Van Damm. [double yikes.]
October 19th is a bust. She better hope she doesn't try me.
October 20th- JOHN KRASINSKI AND TOM PETTY. [Proof that she is MY daughter.]
October 21st- Kim Kardashian. [Increased likelihood that she'll have my badonkadonk.]
October 22nd- Timothy Leary. [Oh, lord.]
October 23rd- Nancy Grace & Weird Al. [yeah.]
October 24th- Tila Tequila. [This is where the train ENDS.]

So.. basically October is full of misfits and I'm concerned about the company she is choosing to keep! October 16th or 20th, Ellie. Otherwise you'll be sent to boarding school.

10/10/10

Originally posted: 10/10/2010

I am officially due today. To me, that means I have a one day old clawing around in there... to her it means NOTHING. Literally. She could care freaking less- or at least that is what I gather from her lack of punctual appearance. The truth is that even if I went into full-blown contractions this very second, she'd probably still be born tomorrow. That said, I am still in disbelief and find myself in a frenzy when I realize it could really, honestly, seriously happen at ANY minute. I'm nervous and scared. A person can't imagine the fears you have as a parent until you've become one... Never have I worried about putting the lid to the toilet seat down or if I have the right laundry detergent. I've never been afraid of a staircase or picking the "right" childcare provider. I never imagined biting my nails over whether the other little girls will like her pigtails or if she'll be an incredible soccer player like her Dada. All of a sudden, I want to lock her up in my room and snuggle her and pray she'll never grow up. But, then again, I am afraid of that, too... I want her to be so outgoing and to enjoy every second of her magical life... but what if she gets her heartbroken? What if she doesn't get cast in the Spring Musical? How do you balance letting her be the beautiful, intelligent, and talented little lady she is destined to be and still keep her safe? Let's just say that being a Mama isn't for the faint at heart. Either way, this journey begins soon... Maybe today, maybe tomorrow. One thing I do promise is that whether she shows up today or not, I will always remember her as my perfect 10 baby due on 10/10/10. Gentle. Sweet. Perfect 10.

Tomorrow.

Originally posted: 10/9/2010

Tomorrow is Ellie's due date. It is, literally, the most anticipated day of my entire life and it is TOMORROW. Now, to be honest, she isn't coming. She won't be born tomorrow. I'd pretty much bet my life on it... but tomorrow it is. October 10th, 2010. I have thought of and dreamed about what would happen to me on this day and even though it really isn't going to happen, I can't believe I even made it here! There were so many doubts that I'd actually make it here- all the sleepless nights and countdowns.. it doesn't seem possible that I survived. Can you sense my disbelief?!

Some of you have become faithful readers of my notes and I really appreciate it... These really are more for me and Ell, but I hope that when you read them, they remind you of the truth and innocence that life should be about. There are only a handful of incredibly perfect things in the world and a baby is certainly at the top of the list. Cheese is also on the list. Just saying. That all said, I plan to continue to write after she's here and am in the process of creating a blog... It will be a collection of funny Ellie moments, my reflections of life, and anything that I really need to vent about. Once I have started it, I'll post the link and I hope you'll follow us there.

Today's note is for Ellie's reading someday in the future. This is the beginning of my promises for my hugely anticipated daughter's life.

I promise that...
1. You can have the bigger half of our split cookies.
2. You will know and love Shel Silverstein.
3. You can have as many sleepovers as you want- they are the only times it's safe to mix Drew Barrymore, endless cups of hot tea, and Hummdingers.
4. I will support your decision to watch Twilight ONCE. After that, you'll owe me a load of laundry for every viewing.
5. You can be utterly embarassed by me from ages 12-15. I will still love you and be your Mama.
6. You can inconvience me any night you have a nightmare. Wake me up. Curl into my bed. You never have to be alone.
7. We can go to the playground anytime and I'll push you SOOOOOOOOOOOO high on the swings.
8. I will introduce you to 90's music and do the Macarena just to make you laugh.
9. I will teach you all about football and mold you into the ultimate Eagles fan. This goes without negotiation. Sorry. I brought you into this world...... ;)
10. You don't have to fess up about the extra scoop of ice cream that your Grandfather slipped you.

There will be more to follow... Until then, you may be cute, cuddly, and adorable. All other rights are explicitly up to ME. Why? Because I SAID SO. :)

TWO.

Originally posted: 10/8/2010

How did the past 39 weeks and 5 days pass by so quickly? How is it even remotely possible that I am expected to have a baby in two days? 48 hours? HOW?! Maybe she senses my disbelief and that has influenced her to make my womb her Prenatal Club Med. Either way, I am just a couple days from being a Mother. This has been a really trying, stressful time in my life for many reasons, but the thought of her little chunky baby thighs make me melt... AHHHHHH! I can't even deal with the excitement!

Today's note is about sensory memories and a few notes to myself for when things get tough...

Sensory memories are a really powerful force in my life... In fact, I can recall almost any memory and am constantly reminded of them by smells, etc. I can still taste the Arizona Green Tea I guzzled before the pregnancy test that revealed little Ellie's imminent life. I can still feel the three little pops that were her first kicks at 18 1/2 weeks. I can still see the first ultrasound pictures of her spine. I can still hear the first heartbeat at 168 bpm. I can escape to every one of those memories and often do... So, now a few notes...

Cassie, remember to slow down. You have spent so much of your life rushing, changing, running, and shifting... but now is the time to stop. The sounds of baby breathing are all you'll want to remember someday- even if Jimmy Fallon's jokes are hiiiilarious. So turn the TV off. The smell of Ellie's sweet post-bath baby skin is more important than being the cumpulsive Febreezer you currently are. So save your money and bathe her often.  The caress of baby fingers will be your ultimate missed memory so get over the fact that you HATE having your face touched [it's true, I HATE it] and let her go for it- peanut butter and jelly fingers or not. Maybe even let her give you open-mouthed, sweet potato slobbery kisses. Maybe. The taste of those kisses will probably be disgusting, but whatever. Suck it up. And, Cassie, the first sight of her will change your life. Stop. Look at her. REALLY look at her. She's only born once... She only takes her first step once... She only learns to roll over once... So. Stop. Stop being the silly, wild go go go girl... and watch her become that same go go go girl. Make sure that everytime she turns around to look at you, that you're there. It won't be easy to work, go to school, keep a home, and deal with all the outrageously stressful adult stuff... but sleep can wait. The Office Season 7 will come out on DVD. And you can learn to knit, cook, and speak Spanish when you're retired.... Oh. Except that you'll do this all over again with your grandchildren. So. Yeah. Just forget it. You weren't going to be any good at baking anyway. I mean it, Cassie. Stop. She needs your attention and enthusiasm, not your "wait a minutes" and excuses. Don't make the one mistake that you can never take back. Oh. And one other thing, even if you do sometimes forget and make the ultimate mistake... she will still love you.

Two days. 1. 2. ONE. TWO. Uno. Dos.

Nicely done, uterus.

THREE.

Originally posted: 10/7/2010

Three days  left until Ell's due date! Whoo! A quick update on a scheduled induction- we have moved the date in order to give her some more time to bake [Doctor's advising] and now she'll be born by October 20th! That's much longer than I want to wait, but baby timing is perfect timing. Also, the original guess of an 8 to 9 pound baby is waaaaaay off. Doctor now predicts around 6 1/2 pounds which I think influenced the decision to wait a little longer for her to come. All good news. She still could come right after I hit "publish" but I have a feeling she will take her time.

The real intention of this note is to thank some of those that have supported me through the most thrilling time in my life! I'm sure I will forget to brush my teeth, let alone Facebook update, once she's here, so I just wanted to post a few shoutouts! I don't know how many people I can actually tag, but we'll see...

Christina & Erin- Thank you for all the advice and laughs... Every single day I wonder if it's coincidence that I have two incredible best friends and we each have incredible daughters. I'm not sure if it is or not, but I wonder. Thank you for the unconditional love and for giving that same support to Ell.

Brooke- Thanks for the awesome middle name. Also, thanks in advance for NOT introducing her to Glenn Beck. No. Seriously. Don't.

Lisa- Thanks for carrying on the "Aunt Lisa" legacy. I can't wait to see the two of you together.

Alyssa- I have really enjoyed going through this experience with you. Though Aydan will definitely arrive before Ellie, I am so glad that I had someone to talk to who understood EXACTLY what I was going through. I wish you luck over the next few months!

Elizabeth- Thank you for reaching out to me everytime I need a kind word. An extra thanks for the hand-knitted socks and hat... even my mother-in-law is in love with them! I'm telling you, look for pictures!

Laura Cooke- It's interesting how people pop in and out of your life and I am so thankful you took this time to hang around. I have so much admiration for your parenting and look forward to using your methods... Cookies, snuggle time, and lots of reading are a total must!

Katie- I know we've both been so busy since John came and haven't had much time to update- but thank you for the awesome gift and for being so excited about Ellie's arrival! I love knowing that I'm not the only one pumped to see her little face!

Summer- Thank you for being an inspiration... You CAN raise intelligent, sweet children that are still silly, strange, and true individuals. And you CAN be an awesome Mom that likes a cold beer and a good rock concert. :)

Sam- I appreciate all your cloth diapering support... It will definitely be an adjustment and I am so thankful for your advice.

Julie Berset- Thanks for the beautiful baby book! It is my favorite baby keepsake and I can't wait to fill it!

To EVERYONE that "liked" my status updates or commented on my pictures- THANK YOU! The daily encouragement has kept my [very large, stretchmarked] spirits up. There are so many of you to list, but consider this your personal appreciation!

Oh, And Andrew- Thanks for your notable contribution. ;)

I am incredible.

Originally posted: 10/4/2010

Well, maybe it's not ME that's incredible.. but my body definitely is. As I get closer to delivering my first baby, I have never been more stunned at how beautifully crafted the human body truly is. There are times when I feel like my hips are never-ending and the stretch marks will NEVER fade and that, ultimately, karma has failed me in every way. But... In my sane mind, I realize how absolutely incredible I am. In 9 months I GREW a human. I created an entire organ [for those that don't know- only a pregnant woman can generate an entire organ, the placenta] and grew a human. Every hair. Every fingernail. Every itty bitty chunkster toe. Everything that Ellie is or becomes is a result of a perfect process that occured INSIDE my body. In 9 months she became cell-by-cell... Her heart started beating... Her first intentional movements squished my bladder [time after time after time!]... Her first yawns and smiles... How do I have an infant less than an inch from the outside world? How do I carry her, even if clumsily? What made me, a 19 year old, suitable to create this little infant that in a matter of days with cry, sleep, cuddle, give baby kisses, eat? How did my body know what nutrients to take and filter in the most beautiful way? I'm not religious and am pro-choice... but, the mere thought of being able to create, grow, and deliver a human... How does a person explain that? Sometimes I get so upset about the weight gain and the destruction she's done... and then I think of her babies. She will carry children in the same perfect pattern and I will watch her discover the same empowering notion- that she is woman and there isn't ANYTHING more incredible than that.

"Ellie Brooke" and the daunting task of name-picking...

Originally posted: 9/28/2010

Like I mentioned in my last note, as I get closer to delivering my little sunshine girl, I feel the urge to document EVERY feeling... Hopefully these notes will help during 1am feedings. [But, wait. I'm up at 1am right now. ...Yikes.] Either way, one of the biggest struggles Andrew and I faced through my pregnancy was picking a name for Ellie. So, how did we do it?

I wanted to name her Charlotte, Caroline, or Gracie. He wanted to name her Piper, Sarah, or Emma. There were other names... Laney, Hallie, Emily, Molly, Addison, and so so so many more. And then, one day in June, I was sitting on our old futon [which, side note, was our first bed in our first home. Sometimes I am thankful for when we lived paycheck to paycheck...] and it just came to us. Everyone told us that a name would just pop out, but I never believed them. But, honestly, they were right. Ellie. We had considered naming her "Elizabeth" which is a family name on both sides, but decided that Ellie was enough. Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. Let's be honest, shouldn't a little girl have a sweet little feminine name? My incredible little ball of silly kicks... My Ellie... I could cry at even the sound of the name I know I'll say ten million times. The name I'll yell at soccer games. The name I'll write in birthday cards. The name of the child that made me a mother. What IS really in a name?

And then her middle name. We had considered my sister's name, Lisa, and several other family names before we decided on Brooke. I was never fortunate enough to have a brother that I grew up with- sure I had stepbrothers and male cousins that were like brothers, but I didn't really grow up with one. Have no fear, though! I scored the brother-in-law jackpot and in comes Brooke Knieriem, Andrew's younger brother. Besides being the most compassionate and honest person that I know, he has always been a shoulder to cry on [especially during Andrew's Basic Training] and one of my very best friends. If Ellie become 1/10th of the incredible person that our brother Brooke is, we'd be blessed.

So, Ellie Brooke, how many newspaper clippings will I scrapbook with your name in them? How many times will your teachers tell me, "Your daughter, Ellie, is a total joy"? And how many times will I whisper your name while rocking you to sleep? I promise not to yell your name as often as I praise it... as long as you promise to be my little Ellie girl forever and ever and ever.

and ever.

The beginning of my pregnancy reflections...

Originally posted: 9/27/2010

Though I sincerely don't want to be induced, I realized tonight that scheduling-wise [for Andrew's leave time, eye surgery, etc] that it would be best to schedule Ellie's birth for October 12th. Meaning that, at the LATEST, I'll have a daughter on October 13th... And, check your calendars, people! That's AT LATEST 17 days from now! AT LATEST. Ahhhhh! There IS an end in sight!

Now that I've picked a date, though, I am starting to reflect on the past 38 weeks... My dear, beautiful, sweet daughter was a complete surprise and came into my life at a crazy time... Though I'm pro-choice, I knew that I'd have her, no matter how crazy my already crazy life ended up crazily being. :) I cried hysterically. I called my Mom. I texted my best friends- two of which were ALSO pregnant. I threw the pregnancy test at Andrew. I puked. By then, it was 6am and I hadn't slept. I think I took a nap? Then I decided that she was my child, I would raise her, and eventually decided that maybe everything DOES happen for a reason. And now that I am minutes/hours/days/a few weeks from actually holding the absolute joy of my life, I am humbled. Why she chose ME to be HER Mom, I'll never know. Why my birth control failed... Why on January 14th... Why a daughter...

More importantly, why does she LOVE lemonade and chocolate pudding? Why does she kick most in the morning, especially when I'm such a grump before 9am? Why has she practically forced me to listen to country music at any/all times?

Ellie Brooke, you are my mystery girl and I'll always be amazed by you and your timing. And I'll always kiss your chubby cheeks, read you Pickle books, and wonder how I could get so lucky.

That said, come OUT. Thanks.